Espanola Joke Blog

If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers

Call No. 1

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”

HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”

CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”

HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”

CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

Call No. 2

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”

HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”

CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know?”

HELPLINE: “There’s a little gage on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”

CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”

HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”

CUSTOMER: “What!? I paid $$12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

Call No. 3

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “Your car sucks!”

HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”

CUSTOMER: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”

HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”

CUSTOMER: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t start!”

HELPLINE: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?”

CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn’t crash anymore!”

Call No. 4

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”

HELPLINE: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “How do I work it?”

HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”

CUSTOMER: “Do I know how to what?”

HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”

CUSTOMER: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”

“Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight,
and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. “This,” he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste.”

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.”

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think
Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms?”

A Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife
looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny
interrupted, “My Mommy looked back once, while she was
DRIVING,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into
a telephone pole!”

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story
of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She
explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the
steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah
commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and
pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

“Now,” said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why
the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the
altar?”

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand,
“I know, I know,” she said, “to make the gravy!”

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of
the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and
left for dead.  She described the situation in vivid detail so her
students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class,

“If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,

“I think I’d throw up.”

WHITES: send out invitations.
MEXICANS: send out maps.

WHITES: receive their invitations 3 months in advance.
MEXICANS: find out about the wedding 1 week before.

WHITES: have seven BridesMaids..
MEXICANS: have seventy Padrinos.

WHITES: RSVP their invitation.
MEXICANS: show up with three car loads.

WHITES: go to the wedding AND the reception.
MEXICANS: just go to the reception.

WHITES: have elegant food.
MEXICANS: have arroz, frijoles and MOLE’.

WHITES: order the cake from a bakery.
MEXICANS: have their cake done by la señora down the street.

WHITES: eat the food and cake.
MEXICANS: eat the food and cake………. AND take some home para mañana.

WHITES: at the reception, they drink wine
MEXICANS: at the reception, they drink Coors,
Budweiser. Bud Light , Bud Ice , Corona ,
Tecate, Pacifico, Casadores, Patron,
Presidente, Jose Cuervo , Gusano’s, Reposado, etc……..

WHITES: relatives get drunk and pass out.
MEXICANS: get drunk, shed a few tears and start
singing to Vicente Fernandez songs, fight………….then pass out.

WHITES: enjoy the music from their chairs………….
MEXICANS: dance at the party to Norteñas,
Rancheras, Reggaeton, Rap, Old School, Oldies, House, etc……………

WHITES: party ends at midnight.
MEXICANS: party ends when the COPS show up. lol

WHITES: wake up the next morning NOT WANTING another beer.
MEXICANS: wake up the next morning WANTING
another beer with a big bowl of
menudo……shoot..we don’t even go to sleep till the next 2 mornings!!!!

Now, you know you were laughing - cuz you’ve
done at least 6 of these. I sure have!!!
Send this to all of those who have a sense of
humor and are Proud to be MEXICAN!!! And to the
Gringos that love you for being a MEXICAN!

(1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.’
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him.’

(2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was..
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

(3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

(4) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor’.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

(5) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’
‘Yes,’ the class said.
‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’
A little fellow shouted,
‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

(6) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and inquired of his
father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d
make a deal with his so. ‘You bring your grades up from a
C to a B  average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll
talk about the car.’

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the
offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son,
I’ve been real proud. You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that
you have been studying your Bible, but I’m real disappointed you haven’t
gotten your haircut.’

The young man paused a moment then said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been
thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that
Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair
and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.’

To this his father replied, ‘Did you also notice
they all walked everywhere they went?’